2 years
well that was when we said goodbye, as I hugged her I told her I would always be in her heart, and she would be in mine- at this time I had gone for six long years in deep depression, so I couldn't actually cry- I was numb- I had not cried for years- but it was very traumatic for me watching the people take her away as she gave me her jewelry-
my mom cried, but I could not- I was too numb from years & years of no feelings
her getting taken away from me was not the cause of my deep depression- I checked out in 2013, this was our last Christmas of me being me/ taking pictures- buying presents, laughing and loving and enjoying the moments- then everything went black- for the next 5 years- I was gone, really gone- barely could get myself out of bed- and nothing helped no matter how hard they all tried- nothing was working! When I heard of suicides, I knew why they did it- it was the easy way out- believe me I thought about that every single day for years!
but then I lose her/ I have lost my mind/ and there is no hope. Antidepressants and all the treatments are not working, it ends up being a waste of money and time. We don't really know why this happened, but it did, and it happened to me- a chemical imbalance- a genetic mutation? hysterectomy- miscarriages- a head injury, and illnesses to add to the long list of my life.
And then something miraculous happened- I was getting letters from my daughter, phone calls, she was telling me to start reading and writing again- she was believing in me again- I knew at this time I needed to start fighting for her- she was in Prison- and I needed to send her positive uplifting letters to help her get through her time. I needed to be strong for her, and she needed to be strong for me!
I started writing, I started reading, I started exercising, I started praying, more than I ever had before, I had to do this for my Amelia, if she could get through a prison sentence I could fight and beat this depression!
I went to God, and I touched the hem of His garment- and He came flooding in and set me free! It was a gradual process, but it happened, all the sadness, fear, anxiety, doubts, & what ifs, suicidal thoughts, escaped me- I think I finally started to get better when I was able to actually cry again! It had been years I was so numb- but all of sudden I started to cry each and every day, I would cry in the shower, cry doing laundry, all my emotions finally started to come again, after years of nothing but a blank state of sadness & confusion. Pete would say, "Oh she is crying again, and he would come in and give me a hug because it happened all the time, in all the unexpected moments! Driving to work, taking a shower, doing laundry or the dishes, my heart was so broken, I found myself wondering if I was going to die of a broken heart of sadness? I would just breathe, and I would thank God for every breath! Something was definitely starting to change in my life- I woke up one morning and I took Eva for a walk in an early September morning, I took a picture of her on my phone, something that I had never done in years, and I sent it to my kids and said, " Mamas coming back"! It was me talking to God every night and every day/ He gave me the strength to start getting up every morning to go for a walk in beautiful nature, the sunrises took my breath away and I felt Him on those early mornings, and I began to start feeling so grateful.
The years before while in the depression I would fall down a lot, I could not walk, I always fell down and it was so scary for me to be able to start walking again- then jogging a little I was so proud of myself I did it and the best feelings in the world was when my neighbors would slowly drive by and give me a wave like they were rooting for me or something, I don't really know if it was all the antidepressants I was one that made me fall down all the time but I was so weak and very drugged up. when I finally took up jogging, I felt free like I was flying, and I was so proud of myself so was Pete each day God kept giving me back my strength.
