Life is magical and we went to Church!!!!!!

 We went to Church today with Bryan & Sage, it was so awesome!! I'm so happy I feel like I'm flying!! And they even had coffee there!!

The Pastor was great, he gave a great sermon. It was the first time me; Sage, & Eme had been to Church in over 10 years! I'm so glad Bryan's Family goes-- my prayers are getting answered, were all on the right path with God and getting to know Him, He has us right where He wants us!!!

and the last time we did a Mom & me day out was years ago! More years than I'd like to admit! I loved taking her to get her hair done and spoiling her, especially since she has been in Prison for the past 2 years..

then we all went to Sage's work and had a yummy dinner with some of Bryan's Family. They are such a cool Family-- I love hanging out with them.

I am so happy I am literally flying and bouncing from cloud to cloud to cloud!!!

My baby girl is free and home with me!!!

my notes---

wake up Bible- pray & fast and it can elevate your faith. Every time you fast your quieting the flesh,

are you true to your word? Do you have a hidden agenda or ulterior motives? Little white lies are still lies. If your not telling the truth it will catch up with you. That's being dis honest what you sow you will eventually reap.

Jesus calling-- Every detail of your life is under my control everything fits into a pattern for good to those who love me and are called according to my design and purpose. Submerged beneath the surface of the visible world are mysteries too vast for you to comprehend. If you could only see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf you would never again doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you, this is why you must live by faith not by sight trusting in my mysterious majestic presence. Romans 8:28 Job 42:1-3 1 Peter 5:7 2 Corinthians 5:7

As you focus your mind & heart on me you are being transformed re created into the one I designed you to be. This process requires blocks of time set aside for communion with me. The benefits of this practice are limitless, emotional & physical healing are enhanced by your soaking in the light of my presence. You experience a nearness to me that strengthens your faith and fills you with peace.

Rest in me my child forgetting about the worries of the world. Focus on me let my living presence envelop you in peace. As you spend time with me the way before you opens up step by step. Hold my hand in deliberate dependence on me and I will smooth out the path before you.

Joel Osteen- Step up to a higher level of integrity

Jesus says, "My desire is that you overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit as soon as I became your Savior Heaven became your ultimate destination. The phrase hope of heaven highlights the benefits you can enjoy even while remaining on earth. This hope keeps you spiritually alive during  dark times of adversity, it brightens your path and heightens your awareness of my presence.

sometimes what we picture and what Gods plans are for us are different. Thanks for holding everything together, where ever your at Gods got a better picture for your life.

Sometimes the set back is a set up for victory! Let your worry, fear, anxiety go and give it all to God. Trust God don't sweat it what is going on right now may not be from God but God is working it out for my best, or the picture I'm seeing is from God and He is working behind the scenes and this is going to be incredible!

Do what you know in your heart is right have a clear conscious God knows your motives and He knows your heart.

Jesus says I am speaking in the depths of your being be still so that you can hear my voice. My words fill you with life & peace, joy & hope living close to me requires making me your first love your highest priority above all else you will experience peace & joy in full measure while you journey through life in my presence my glory brightens the world around you Isaiah 50:4 Revelation 2:4 Isaiah 60:2

God doesn't bring you out the same The best is next, you had to run out of wine before the best is next. God loves you to much to leave you with just the good wine He will give you the best wine. He takes you from glory to glory you are blessed when your at the end of your rope with less of you there is more of God and His favor Matthew 5:3 When your at the end and your out of your wine that's when God shows up and gives you the best wine. It has to run out so you can step up to who you were created to be. When one door closes another better one opens! People can't stop your destiny. Running out is a sign that running over is coming. Every time God asks you to do hard things that means a big blessing is coming. The best part of your life is the next part of your life. What God started He is going to finish.

God says No I am doing a new thing in your life so let go of the past, God is taking you somewhere you need to let go of things from your past so you can move on to the next new thing. Forget what is behind and press on to what's ahead. Everything is by faith and trust in the Lord.

His word is in my heart like a fire a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in, indeed, I cannot. Jeremiah 20:9

Living your best life now means living with enthusiasm and being excited about the life God has given you, it is believing for more good things in the days ahead. But also living in the moment and enjoying it to the hilt! Live inspired!

Come to me with your gaping emptiness knowing that in me you are complete. As you rest quietly in my presence my light within you grows brighter & brighter. Depend on me in child like trust.

When you are plagued by a problem view it as a rich opportunity. In faith thank me for your problem ask me to open up your eyes and your heart to all that I am accomplishing through this difficulty. Once you have become grateful for a problem it loses it's power to drag you down. Your thankful attitude will lift you up into Heavenly places with me.

Never take God for granted!! And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us Romans 5:5

We need fresh enthusiasm each day, we need to be inspired & infused filled with a fresh with Gods goodness each day! Stay filled with Hope daily!!!

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!

 Namaste!!

our story

 I was born with it, they say

and as I look back, I can see how I always really had it, I would throw temper tantrums as a child when I didn't get my way, I would lose it a lot- and as a teenager it just got worse. My Mom wanted to commit me at an early age, I'll never forget that night in her car, crying and telling her I would be so much better.

None of us know what caused the depression, was it the nephritis I had as a baby? Or when I fell out a two-story window on cement at 2 yrs. old? I do know it is a chemical imbalance, I am an introvert, empath, and I have been unique my whole life. I managed to get through my adolescence just fine, with my friends by my side, a loving Family and Grandma as my best friend- things were ok.

I noticed it first really bad after I had my babies. They called it Post partum depression and it was first being discussed right as I was going through it back in the early 90's. Before that time, it really had not much been talked about. Brook Shields wrote a book, that was good, Andrea Yates killed all 5 of her babies- that was scary, and I felt so very bad for her. I got through it fine with my first born Kash, I just ignored the unthinkable thoughts, the what if's, doubts and insecurities that were constantly going through my brain- I do remember however not wanting Pete to go to work and leave me alone with my baby- but it only lasted 2 short months and then all of sudden it was gone and I was completely fine again. Pete & I were so happy enjoying our new baby son!

With my second baby, my first daughter- I got the depression during the pregnancy and right after. It was real and it was scary. I was afraid of everything- I was incapable of doing anything, and I relied on Pete a lot. With my fears of messing up caring for a newborn, and all the doubts, and insecurities that went through my mind daily it was exhausting and I found myself not wanting to get out of bed. That is when Pete & I went to the Doctor for the first time in my life and I told him I was having "unthinkable thoughts" and he told me I had postpartum depression. I felt relieved and so happy that someone else out there in the world finally actually understood me and what I was going through. He put me on Zoloft and in a matter of a week I was back to my normal self and wanting to play with my babies again.

Then we had our last baby girl. Again, I got the depression during and after the pregnancy. I would not take any antidepressants the whole 9 months because I would not expose that to my baby, so I suffered through the 9-month battle of mental confusion. Right after I had her, I went right back on Zoloft and I remember crying to my sister because I wouldn't breast feed with that in my system- so there was so much guilt, I felt like a bad Mom who wasn't doing it right. My sister tried to make me feel better by saying, "Jayda I have a lot of friends who have babies with bottles and it's no big deal". Thank God for Sharri.

Oh, I loved being a mom! The drugs were working, and life was beautiful! So many happy days and memories of Pete and I raising our children, And I'm so glad I wrote it all down! I always went to the Doctor and I always took antidepressants and I was so glad that my life was fine and happy.

That was until we left Utah and moved to Washington. I had left everything I had ever known, my Family, and my religion. I found God in my own way, and it was not with Mormonism. I value Mormons and I think their great, which is most all my Family, but I needed more, and it was not in that Church, so I went out in my own. New Psychiatrist, new medication, life was rough but we somehow managed to get through it.

Then we moved again to Arizona. Life became wonderful again! I loved being a mom and being Pete's wife. I loved our new town and I felt happy with whatever meds they had me on at the time. We went through a lot of ridicule and criticism with leaving Mormonism, and just becoming no religion but still believing in God. I taught my children all about Him, anyway who I thought He was without a Church or a specific religion. It was really really hard living this way because we were judged by a lot of people and not just Mormons- Christians too, even in Arizona!

It made me hate religion because that actually separated me from God who I desired to be most close to my whole life. So now moving on to 2012- we move again to Colorado- something about moving always does something weird to my soul. I always just wish I could have stayed in the same place, house, and town, by Family my whole life. But that was not in the cards with the man that I married.

Colorado was rough- I remember calling crisis lines on my bad days, changing up meds but nothing was working, missing my oldest daughter because she stayed in Arizona, and I had let go of Gods hand.

We decide to move back to Arizona- and then things slowly but surely started going downhill. Things with the kids, the dogs, life, me not being able to handle the curve balls that were constantly being thrown at me, and things going on in the World that were making me sad. Pete builds a beautiful home to sale, and we lose everything- the market crashed, and we had to start over and go back to square one. My son also was in a near fatal motorcycle accident but thank God the angels picked him up off the ground to get him off highway of oncoming traffic.

Pete builds us a new beautiful home again and we try to start over. I start to lose my mind, and nothing is working- we do shock treatments, ketamine, and tapping treatments on my head- we also tried a nature path- during this time my youngest daughter develops a drug habit, and I am mentally & physically not available for her to help her. I check out and go to bed- Pete takes completely over- my Family is left in turmoil and confusion not knowing what to do. I go to the Hospital and that just made everything worse!

My life is dark, it is shattered, and it very very broken. They take my daughter away for a long time and now I am left with constant suicidal thoughts & mental confusion, I can't eat, can't sleep- I can't walk, talk, cry, or feel anything.

My husband tries one last thing and takes me to a new Psychiatrist- she puts me on a new medication- as I lay there in my bed, I would think ok so I can lay here for the rest of my life and rot away, or I can fight like hell and try to get better. I went to God, and I begged and prayed like I never had before.

I couldn't cry for years but suddenly one day things slowly started to change. I made myself get up and go walking on a September morning. I saw the sun rise something that I had not seen in years, and it was speaking to me- I felt God- I touched the hem of His garment and slowly but surely things started to change. I found myself strong enough to get a new job- being around other people was new for me, but it was helpful- losing myself in others was a good thing- with my Eme being away my heart slowly starting to feel again but not in the way I wanted it was severe pain and heart break to the point that I wondered if I could die from a broken heart? I cried and I cried some more, every single day and night, in the shower, in the car, on my walks, doing laundry- I was shattered-

Eme would tell me in her letters to start working out again, start my Blog back up, read and write- she would fight for me if I would fight for her. We were both going through our darkest days. We became connected in a way that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Just knowing that if she could do it I could do it was what got me through.

and now 2 more years have passed, I have found myself better, completely healed from depression since September of 2019. It was full circle of God restoring what was taken from me last week when she came home to us again. 2020 has been my best year ever! I am happy, healthy, and healed by God's grace and I will never take another day or another moment for granted. Everything is so new and beautiful! I have never been happier- I have a relationship with my Savior that makes me feel closest to Him and it's not in a Church or religion.

I now choose to live my life being unconditionally happy no matter what, sticking to a routine of exercise, reading, writing, yoga- deep prayer & meditation. I will not let any set back that comes in my life define me or steal my joy that God gave back to me, I will rise above it! I refuse to be around all negative energy- and I only choose kindness, compassion, and love for everyone.

Life is beautiful again and I have so very much to look forward too!

His light was transforming us into the beautiful beings that we are today!

We both touched the hem of His garment, and He healed us and set us both free

from the darkness to the light

we had both hit rock bottom at the same time

My life was dark, shattered, and very broken. They take my daughter away for a long time and now I am left with constant suicidal thoughts & mental confusion, I can't eat, can't sleep- I can't walk, talk, cry, or feel anything.

I had lost my mind and she had lost her freedom

things were bleak!

but then something remarkable happened

I had no reason to be depressed for those past 6 yrs., but I was

then in the 7th year I had every reason to be depressed because I had lost her

but this is when I started to heal and get better?

I truly do believe that God does turn beauty from ashes

He meets us at our weakest, our most broken & vulnerable times

God comes to the broken hearted

Some of the greatest works in my Kingdom have been done from sick beds and Prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body search for My way in the midst of those very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to me. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness" Jesus Calling Zechariah 2:13 Isaiah 30:15 2 Corinthians 12:9

My daughter and I both realized while we were both stuck in hell that we had to fight

and fight hard not only for ourselves but for each other!

I knew I had to be strong now for her, so I began to do all the things she had asked me to do

reading, writing, blogging, exercise, meditation, and yoga

and she did the things that I asked her to do- stay strong, read, write, pray

our letters the past 2 years really helped us

I wish Mental Illness was more brought up in our Society

I also wish addiction was more brought up

Life isn't perfect and none of us are!

I have nothing to be ashamed because that time in my life with depression was exactly what I needed to go through and was part of my destiny to find God

I'm also thankful that I went through such a transformation the same time my daughter went through hers, it brought us so much closer together.

if the Son sets you free you will be free indeed John 8:36

this is our story; we are survivors, and we did it together!

We will not let our pasts define us, ever, we will learn, grow and rise from it

we also would like to help others if they are suffering with mental illness or addictions

Jayda thoughts I feel complete now!

 I need to write; I didn't get a chance this past weekend. It was the first Saturday that I did not write Eme's letter. We were busy catching up and trying to find our way back to normal again.

When I was standing outside the Prison on Saturday, and she came that was such a cool moment! We just laughed and hugged and said, "We did it" we have both fought back so hard for the past two years.

We went to DJ's bagels me, her, and Dad- Eva was so happy to see her! She kept barking, crying, and licking her face! I got her a cake, balloons, flowers, and a banner that says Welcome home her gifts were crystals, a necklace, and a ring. She was so happy! Also, a bracelet that says I am a fucking Warrior!

my notes for the past week--

When you honor God, His blessings are going to chase you down! Be a believer not a doubter. Sing yourself today to a way of hope you will become what you say. let me say that again YOU WILL BECOME WHAT YOU SAY!!!!!! If you want to know where you will be in five years, it's what you're saying about yourself right now! Prophecy a victory! eat the fruit of your words. Keep speaking victory what you say will determine the direction you will go. Let the weak say I am strong! You have to speak it before you can see it. I'm prosperous in a pandemic, this is my overflow year! Declare favor! speak victory! even in hard times the righteous will have more than enough. What you're constantly talking about your drawing in. God takes pleasure in healing me and giving me His favor. I am blessed and I am excited about my future. I'm goin break this addiction, only say what God says about you. You can't speak defeat and reach your potential I have Gods favor! Speak victory over your life- we have Gods favor! If the medical report is not good keep speaking health, you will eat your words.

Let my presence override everything you experience. Stay ever so close to me and you will not deviate from the path I have prepared for you. This is the most effective way to stay on track, it is also the most enjoyable way. Men tend to multiply duties in their observance of religion, this practice enables them to give me money, time, and work without yielding up to me what I desire most- their hearts! Rules can be observed mechanically, they can be followed with almost no thought those habit-forming rules provide a false sense of security lulling the soul into a comatose condition. What I search for in my children is an awakened soul that thrills to the joy of my presence. I created mankind to glorify me and enjoy me forever. I provide the joy your part is to glorify me by living close to me.

Learn to look steadily at me in all your moments and all circumstances. Though the world is unstable, and, in a flux, you can experience continuity through your uninterrupted awareness of my presence. Fix your gaze on what is unseen even as the visible world parades before your eyes.

Aim for excellence in everything you do. Whatever we do we should do it with our best effort and do it as if we are doing it for God. God doesn't bless mediocrity He blesses excellence. Are you a person of excellence and integrity? wake up, see the light, believe Gods report, change what you see. I love my job, look to the light, in Jesus' life was the light of all men. I am only going to choose to remember the good things about you- only let the good reports- come in delete the wrong reports and click spam. I don't deal with negative thoughts, and I don't deal with fear!!! In Jesus Christ name focus only on the good report and let the bad report wash away.

Remember the rocky song? Get that energy that you can win give praise and thanks to the Lord, play your song off of Gods wisdom, keep the music going, listen to the right music and turn off the wrong noises, let our day today be full of your glory and not of our works. In everything you do attempt to represent God well go the extra mile. The man of integrity walks securely but he who takes crooked paths will be found out Proverbs 10:9

Jesus says Come to me in all your neediness with defenses down and with desire to be blessed, as you spend time in my presence your deepest longings are fulfilled, rejoice in your neediness which enables you to find intimate completion in me Philippians 4:19 Colossians 2 2-3

sometimes you have to love people from a distance, separate yourself from people who bring you down and are negative, remove yourself from negativity and toxic people. Jesus says "Let me lead you step by step through this day if your primary focus is on me, you can walk along perilous paths without being afraid, eventually you will learn to relax and enjoy the adventure of our journey together as long as you stay close to me my sovereign presence protects you where ever you go

you will not get your miracle until you're so sick and tired of being sick and tired. YOUR FAITH HAS SET YOU FREE!!I touched His garment. If God is for you, it doesn't matter who is against you. People of integrity are the same in private as they are in public. They do what is right weather anyone is watching or not. Rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of me. In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of my face, make me the focal point in your search for security.

Jesus says I am working on your behalf, bring me all your concerns including your dreams, talk with me about everything letting the light of my presence shine on your hopes and plans. Spend time allowing my light to infuse your dreams with life gradually transforming them into reality. I the creator of the Universe have designed to co create with you. Do not try to hurry this process if you want to work with me you have to accept my time frame.

Be willing to pay the price to do the right thing. You have to fall off your bike before you can learn to ride it. You have to un become and unlearn all the things you were raised to be and know your own lane! For our light affliction which is but for a moment is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. 11 Corinthians 4:17 Allow God to become your builder allow Him to help you become your unique you! Use our wounds into wisdom and our scars into stars!

OK I'm done, I've been feeling weird the past couple of days- since Eme's been home. The start of a headache, dizzy, kinda off balance, a start of a runny nose, and a start of a sore throat. BUT I KNOW I DO NOT HAVE COVID!!!! I have faith in my Savior that I am fine, and I will always stay and be healed!

They have closed down two rooms at my work! One of the Teachers got Covid, yes this is scary, but I am still going there and working in the infant room with two babies. I just keep praying & praying that we will all get through this, and a cure is coming soon

Pete & I LOVE to go out to eat every weekend, and this has been our favorite place lately, tater tots, sandwiches, & cold beer!!

my beautiful live tree that did NOT make it to Christmas:((((((

Emma Lu comes home finally!!!!!

 very emotionally and physically overwhelmed

as is she

it has been so much happiness and so much joy

i can't really describe it, we all just feel a lot of feelings

but they are good- we are just so glad she is finally home, 

wow so much love we all just love her sooo much and we are all so happy that she is FINALLY home!!!

I'm glad Pete got that video it says it all! WE did it!!!! She did it!!! and now the worst is behind us and the best is yet to come!

PRAISE OUR GOD!!!!!

namaste

thoughts reflecting

 2 years

well that was when we said goodbye, as I hugged her I told her I would always be in her heart, and she would be in mine- at this time I had gone for six long years in deep depression, so I couldn't actually cry- I was numb- I had not cried for years- but it was very traumatic for me watching the people take her away as she gave me her jewelry-

my mom cried, but I could not- I was too numb from years & years of no feelings

her getting taken away from me was not the cause of my deep depression- I checked out in 2013, this was our last Christmas of me being me/ taking pictures- buying presents, laughing and loving and enjoying the moments- then everything went black- for the next 5 years- I was gone, really gone- barely could get myself out of bed- and nothing helped no matter how hard they all tried- nothing was working! When I heard of suicides, I knew why they did it- it was the easy way out- believe me I thought about that every single day for years!

but then I lose her/ I have lost my mind/ and there is no hope. Antidepressants and all the treatments are not working, it ends up being a waste of money and time. We don't really know why this happened, but it did, and it happened to me- a chemical imbalance- a genetic mutation? hysterectomy- miscarriages- a head injury, and illnesses to add to the long list of my life.

And then something miraculous happened- I was getting letters from my daughter, phone calls, she was telling me to start reading and writing again- she was believing in me again- I knew at this time I needed to start fighting for her- she was in Prison- and I needed to send her positive uplifting letters to help her get through her time. I needed to be strong for her, and she needed to be strong for me!

I started writing, I started reading, I started exercising, I started praying, more than I ever had before, I had to do this for my Amelia, if she could get through a prison sentence I could fight and beat this depression!

I went to God, and I touched the hem of His garment- and He came flooding in and set me free! It was a gradual process, but it happened, all the sadness, fear, anxiety, doubts, & what ifs, suicidal thoughts, escaped me- I think I finally started to get better when I was able to actually cry again! It had been years I was so numb- but all of sudden I started to cry each and every day, I would cry in the shower, cry doing laundry, all my emotions finally started to come again, after years of nothing but a blank state of sadness & confusion. Pete would say, "Oh she is crying again, and he would come in and give me a hug because it happened all the time, in all the unexpected moments! Driving to work, taking a shower, doing laundry or the dishes, my heart was so broken, I found myself wondering if I was going to die of a broken heart of sadness? I would just breathe, and I would thank God for every breath!  Something was definitely starting to change in my life- I woke up one morning and I took Eva for a walk in an early September morning, I took a picture of her on my phone, something that I had never done in years, and I sent it to my kids and said, " Mamas coming back"!  It was me talking to God every night and every day/ He gave me the strength to start getting up every morning to go for a walk in beautiful nature, the sunrises took my breath away and I felt Him on those early mornings, and I began to start feeling so grateful.

The years before while in the depression I would fall down a lot, I could not walk, I always fell down and it was so scary for me to be able to start walking again- then jogging  a little I was so proud of myself I did it and the best feelings in the world was when my neighbors would slowly drive by and give me  a wave like they were rooting for me or something, I don't really know if it was all the antidepressants I was one that made me  fall down all the time but I was so weak and very drugged up. when I finally took up jogging, I felt free like I was flying, and I was so proud of myself so was Pete each day God kept giving me back my strength. 

I am soooo excited!!!!

 my daughter will be home in 7 days, oh my God! I have been ever so patiently waiting for this day for so very long! 2 whole years! I'm not going to write about what I went through because it is already written all down and I just wrote Amelia her last letter with my last feelings about this ordeal in it below. I don't want to keep talking and writing about how I'm better and God healed me we all know that now, and it is now time to move on and let go of the bad chapter, quit talking about the past and move on to the new chapter!

I wasn't going to write about what I went through but oh God it was sooo much maybe I will write it down again! The complete and total heart ache! the sorrow, tears, sadness, worry, anxiety, doubts, what ifs, pain, the fear, oh God the fear was so bad! the turmoil, anger, bitterness, rage, there were so very many feelings I went through and faced and I did it all but I did it with Gods help because I begged Him and prayed to Him daily to help me get through it! and He definitely did! He picked me right up off the ground and placed my feet in a new place, with a new mind, He gave me back my Hope, He gave me back my mind, He healed me 100%, and now He is giving me back my daughter!

Oh God is so good! I will thank Him and worship Him forever!!!

I am so glad that last year I decided to start trying to write about healing in my blog instead of focusing so much on the downward spiral. I wish someone would have told me in High School that you get what you think! It is a simple fact, but it is so overlooked, and people don't really realize just how true it is! If you think negative thoughts, you live a negative life, but if you try to focus on positive thoughts, you will eventually go toward the positive life! All with Gods help! We can't do it without Him.

I found Him in 2000 when I lived in Springville Utah after I got baptized a Christian, I was 36 years old! I realized finally after a 36-year journey of trying to find Him that He was with me all along, He is a part of me, He is my beating heart, it really sunk in at that time and I was so peaceful! I didn't care that we didn't fit in with everyone else in our world- I knew I fit in with Christ. Then we moved, and we moved again, and I got really depressed. I let go of His hand, I went out on my own- I was slowly but surely losing my mind, and I did- the enemy got a hold of me, he led me down that dark tunnel, that dark and lonely pit, he knew all the things he needed to do to keep me down there, I freaking gave up! and I let him win. It went on for a very long long time, I worried my mom, my kids, my husband, and my Family- but then in 2019 I started to get my life back! I tried to talk to God again and I tried to tell Him that I needed Him. My daughter went to prison, and I was desperate for help, and He came in and helped me! He literally gave me back my life, my health, my freedom, my sanity, my hope, healing, wholeness, wellbeing, everything! I am here today and typing on my computer because of Him and His powerful beautiful healing. I will thank Him for the rest of my life.

thoughts-- I know that I have always been a people pleaser. I will do everything to avoid the confrontation, tell anyone what they want to hear, do everything to please and get along with people, always be nice, always say yes, always be pleasant, I thought that was a good quality I had, I thought I was being Christlike but then I realized no that is really not right! It is actually being selfish! I want so much for everyone to like me that I will agree with them even if I feel it is wrong! I need to be true to my authentic self and tell people exactly how I really feel weather they like it or not. In the end they will appreciate my honesty. I can still be kind and have compassion and be true to my feelings at the same time. I can actually disagree with someone but just do it in a kind Christ like way! I didn't ever realize that before. I was always so afraid of pissing someone else off and offending someone.

It took experiences at my job, things with my kids and Pete, my Family, and waking up from a very long ass coma to finally realize that I need to be true to me! I need to speak my mind and be honest, everyone needs my thoughts on life- they need to see my views, I need to share them, and I no longer need to go along with what everyone else is saying just to avoid a conflict or confrontation! I am finally finding out that Jesus just wants me to be me, be kind, and still be honest!

my notes--Joel Osteen, Jesus Calling, wake up Bible

If God directs your steps He has a good reason. Fill all your holes in your life and make everything better with Christ. It is through Christ blood that we have the true blessings of God in my life- I will allow Jesus to be the missing puzzle peace. The enemy like Goliath will show up so deliver Gods goodness, we are packaged on the inside with Christ power, go into your world being sent by God do not listen to the lies of the enemy. Jesus tells you that you are MORE than victorious so get up and get going you can do this you are not a victim God has put everything in you so you can deal with the problems in your life. God is strong where you are weak. You will not understand some things you go through in life but trust God anyway. He knows what He is doing. If you feel something missing in your life turn to the scriptures, you will find your answers and fill the void. Your faith has made you full. The Bible says Jesus is our missing puzzle peace, the only thing that can fill you up is the word of God! Believe what God says not what the world says. Jesus is the word God wants to take that whole and fill it up! the peace is your missing puzzle when you get saved God gives you back your confidence, hope, faith, love, wellness and everything in your life! Begin to say what God says about you I thank you God for your word which is the missing puzzle peace in my life.

Just trust in God always, keep a good attitude even in the midst of chaos and confusion and know that God is in control. Problems are a part of life they are inescapable woven into the very fabric of this fallen world. Do not let fixing things be your top priority you are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you, don't weigh yourself down with responsibilities that are not your own instead make your relationship with me your primary concern talk with me about whatever is on your mind seeking my perspective on the situation, ask me to show you what is truly important.

the joy of the Lord is your strength, and the enemy is after your joy. A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones Proverbs 17:22 The enemy knows if he can deceive you into living down in the dumps and depressed you will not have the strength physically. emotionally or spiritually to withstand his attacks so you need to rejoice in the midst of your difficulties always stay strong and give the enemy a black eye!

ok enough journal writing for the day, I am soooooo excited for Christmas!!!!! It will be the first Christmas since 2013 that I will really feel and be normal again. I was better last Christmas in 2019 but this year in 2020 is going to be the very best!! I am playing Santa Claus again!! Oh my God life is so good I just have a peace that passes all understanding!!! 

namaste!!